twistedperfectn

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:32:50 GMT

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:07:22 GMT

Al most 1 and I havent eaten anything. Burned 550 cals at the gym!! Guess I'm going to save most of my 500 cals for dinner-seeing how I can't get out of it or my family will flip. But I can't find it anywhere-does any know how much a starbucks venti iced coffee with cream would be? They have one with sweetener that says a grande is 90 cals! Thanks if anyone knows.

My stomach hurts from all the b/p yesterday. I'm more determined than ever this week. Last week was just a big mess. I know I just have to be patient this week and keep at it. Also got new diet pills, which make me feel not hungry and sick-so I guess they are working, lol. But I need some help for the next few days since I stretched my stomach all the way around the world. Sicksicksick of food. Hope you all are doing good. TT and SS!

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:01:15 GMT

I can't stand this anymore. I'm starting to hate myself for hating myself. It's making me sad to read everyone's self-hate posts. I want to tell all these girls (and boys) they are beautiful. They are amazing. They have so much to live for....esp the young ones. I wish I could back track and erase so much. I want to go back and celebrate so much I hid away.

I just want to like myself but I don't know how. I want to stop the obsessing and laugh more. To take this messed up, self-hating fury inside me and hurl it towards a gigantic fire...........I want to watch it squirm and burn, as I smile and wave goodbye.

progress?

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:05:15 GMT

Thanks everyone who helped me yesterday. I worked really hard and am down 2.2lbs! So back to where I was a week ago, but progress nonetheless! Not eating until I have to-liquids again until my husband gets suspicious. I did this yesterday and only had a small roll and a half-120 cals for dinner. I am starting to remember how i used to eat-abt 100 cals a day and that was it. Feels good to be back in the driver's seat!!!

more thinspo

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:41:34 GMT

thinspo

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:51:38 GMT

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 12:11:05 GMT

So I purged yesterday for the first time in over a year. I thought this was over. I thought I was done. I hate how her voice is always in the back of my head when I binge. I hate how she won last night. I feel so shitty when I do that. I refuse to go back to her. I'm not weighing myself until I have punished my body with working out and restricting. I will be skinny. I will win.

weak

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:37:34 GMT

I hate how I can't go very long wo eating when I excersise so much!!! If I didn't have to eat I could be at my first goal weight by now. I get soooo sick after excersising. Usually 75-95 minute workouts, buring 500-900 cals. Which is great, but I get really nauseous and dizzy for several hours afterward.
Irritated.

Why is it that my husband tells me I don't eat enough ever, yet he saw my hip bones poking out and complimented them the other day!Talk about mixed messages........"Don't get all Nicole Ritchie skinny" "I like curves" etcecetc but everyt ime I lose a lil weight-"Oh honey you look good" and bites my ribs and hip bones when we are fucking!

He likes it and I don't blame him. Bones are beautiful...............

7 things

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 01:06:48 GMT

7 things

1)sometimes I want to run away (even though I'm 28, happily married to my best friend and amazing lover, have 2-3 kids depending on the day, & the cutest dog and cat).

2)I want attention yet get uncomfortable & shrink away when I get it.

3) I marvel at people who don't pay attention to what they eat-how much, calories,calories,calories!!! I mean who is that normal about food, really?

4)I like feeling dizzy and weak.

5) I drink too much to loose weight quickly-I would be drunk all the time if I didn't want to be skinny.

6) I'll abuse anything if it helps me lose weight/ not eat/get high.

7) I want my third child to be a girl, yet afraid I'll screw a little girl up royally in the insecurity and food departments so its probably God's plan if I never have a baby girl.

stuck

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 20:45:16 GMT

Stuck at 137.......17lbs til goal weight one. Fuck-the more I loose the fatter I feel. Every bump, lump, handful of fat oozes out of me. I can see bones if I twist this way or that-but I don't want to be a contortionist to see my beautiful bones. No no no

I notice my husband likes to find my bones-i.e. hips, ribs, pelvic, when having sex, yet he claims to hate super skinny girls. I think he has just never experienced a thin girl-he likes it despite what he says. WHO DOESN'T???

This week I have been hungrier than ever-might have to do with quitting pot. Which I don't wanna do-but need to. My withdrawl from it this time was awfully intense. Soooo moody and suicidal. My husband hid my xanax due to the fact that i threatened to take it all. I really don't blame the poor guy.

What have I become? How do I learn to like me? I hate-no HATE me. Yet I love God. What a fucking loser contradiction I have become. I told my sister that sometimes I feel that God doesn't love me as much as everyone else and she told me to go talk to a shrink! Wtf? thanks sis-your life is fucked beyond all means right now and I have never said something like that. Besides-I have gone to shrinks. And guess what? They are mostly full of shit-or they tell me something I already know. I used to want to be one.....but not anymore. I feel God is all i need. His advice is better than any human trying to grasp my life. I mean really-unless you tell them EVERY deep dark thought, unless they follow you around 24/7, unless all the conditions are studied, how can any one person give advice to another on how to live??

Just seems hopeless sometimes...............................

life

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:29:45 GMT

Love being too busy to eat. So far
a latte(my weakness) 240
cookie 35(fuck these shortbreads-gave the rest to my dog Zoe)
lite bagel 110

thats all til dinner. Not sure what to have, but since I'm not excersising not over 400. Maybe soup since I'm soooo fucking coooooooooooooollllllllllldd!

Why do I feel fatter when everyone is saying how thin I am getting? It's like the more I lose, the fatter I get. Only those with ed's would understand this feeling. Makes me feel alone in this world as well.

I totaly binged this weekend-alcohol and junk, and didn't weigh my self til sunday. Up almost a pound from last Monday.
Weighed myself this Mon-down 2 lbs! Wtf? Seriously-i have been at this fucking stupid hell of a plateau for a month-now it breaks and this? I really don't understand my body. Quite hat e it actually-it does noting I want it to. It's ugly,fatfatfat, with stretch marks from having babies and running in high school (got them on my calves for some reason and I was thin).

Feeling low.

Justin (my hubbie!!) said he would fast with me-hehehe. Great motivation!! I bet I cave before he does.....we will see.

survey

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 17:06:15 GMT

Age
28

Height:
5'5"
Weight :
too much to say right now

Heighest Weight:
180(pregnant)

Lowest Weight :
113

Goal Weight :
GW 1 120
Gw 2 110
GW 3 100

Favorite Food:
CHOCOLATE

Favorite Drink :
Double tall latte with whip cream (only if i excercise and burn over 350 cals)
Favorite Exercise :
Running and strength training
Thinspo :
Gemma Ward ,Kate Moss, Audrey Hepburn
Where Do You Slip Up? :
When I am wasted

Moods:
Tired-getting a cold

When Did It Start? :
what-my mood or the ed?

Why Did It Start? :
My parents always told me I'd be beautiful if I lost weight at age 12.......
Does Anyone Know? :
Maybe but not really because everyone is encouraging the wieght loss(heheheh)

Do You Want Help? :
No. Never.

Diet Pills? :
LOVE EM-but they make me sick.......my husband took them away!.

Favorite Binge Food :
Carbs-mostly refined damnit.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? :
800-3000 depending on the day.
What Tips Do You Use To Loose Weight? :
Caffine, excersise, learn to enjoy the feeling of starvation if you want your ultimate goal weight.
Hoodia helps--sf red bull, green tea, and WATER WATER WATER!
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? :
Fat girl. Fatass. Disgusting messs.

Are You In A Relationship? :
Married
If So, Do They Pressure You To Be Thin?:
Not at all-quite the opposite.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? :
Fat one of everyone everywhere

Are You Depressed? :
I would say so, at times.

Do You Self Harm? :
Used to

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? :
Twice

Ever Been To A Psychologist? :
Yes
Favorite Songs :
Beautiful Wreck